Title: A Bad Feeling About This
Summary: Remember how that one time when the hobbits'n'orli went to the Star Wars set in Australia? Yeah, it probably didn't go down like this. Thanks to emma_took for the beta.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, which means that while the characters depicted are based on public personas of real celebrities, the events described in the story never happened. This story in no way claims to represent the truth about the people mentioned within or the way they would behave.
So Elijah is fucking Pete's assistant, Laura. Dom has many thoughts on this, but the principal three are a) it's fucking hilarious, b) it's logistically complicated (she's, like, seven foot tall) and c) it's really, really useful. This last one comes into play when Elijah removes his tongue from Laura's mouth long enough to make his way over to their booth and share the news that,
"PJ's gonna give us all some time off, man."
Dom stops drinking. This is, after all, a very serious piece of news and Elijah had better not be fucking kidding.
"You'd better not be fucking kidding," Billy says, and Elijah grins.
"Seriously. Just a couple of days, but it'll be all of us. They're gonna do some work on Rohan or something, and second unit will be with Liv so we're getting nearly a week off."
Dom sits back, puts his beer on the table. "Elijah," he says reverently. "This is the best thing you have ever said."
"Actually," Orlando reminds him, "remember that time when he said that carrots grow on trees?"
"Oh yeah," Dom reminiscences as Elijah protests.
"You fucker, I was drunk at the time, you know I was drunk at the time-"
Billy cuts him off with, "You'd had two beers, Elijah. Two beers and-"
"No, I'd had more than that, I know you fuckers put something in that second one at the bar-"
"-it was nine thirty in the evening, we'd only just arrived at the pub-"
"-I wouldn't get that drunk off two beers, it must have had something like fucking absinthe in it-"
"-but I wouldn't expect more from you, don't worry, Elijah, you're only a baby-"
"-you fuckers love spiking my fucking drinks-"
"-everyone knows Americans can't hold their-"
"I'm not a fucking lightweight!"
"Guys," Dom interrupts. "Guys. What is important here is that Elijah's selfless act of whoring himself out for on-set information has finally paid off."
"Fuck off." Elijah elbows Dom and slides back out of the booth. "You couldn't pull a bird as hot as Laura." With a smirk, he heads back over to the bar, where Laura is waiting for him. Dom really can't figure out what she's hanging around for. He supposes Elijah must just be really good in bed, then takes a hearty swig of beer in an attempt to wash that image from his brain.
"You guys. Hey, you guys. We should do something." Orlando is bouncing in his seat. Billy catches Dom's eye. He raises his eyebrows and glances a couple of times between Dom and Orlando. Dom smirks and, on the next downwards bounce, moves to sit firmly on Orlando legs.
"Owowowow! Get off me, you cunt!" Orlando screeches. Dom sits out Orlando's attempts to buck him off. Eventually, Orlando calms down and Dom reaches out to pick up his drink.
"What do you mean, we should do something?" Dom asks Orlando serenely.
"Cunt. I mean, go somewhere. We've been in Wellington for fucking ages, man."
"What's wrong with Wellington?" Dom feels the need to defend it. Wellington brought him paid employment and Fidel's and The Peg and a chance at stardom and Billy and Orlando and Elijah and Billy. Dom loves Wellington.
"Nothing, man. I just think we should fucking do something while we're here, you know? Fucking see the world, this part of the world."
Orlando seems to be warming to his argument. His left knee is jiggling under Dom's arse again.
"I mean, really, how often are we going to get the opportunity to be on this side of the world, man. This is an opportunity, yeah, we've got to seize the day. Carpe diem and all that crap."
"You're right, Orlando," Billy says earnestly, and Orlando fucking beams. "How often will we be on this side of the world?"
"That's what I'm saying-"
"Except," Billy cuts him off, and Dom grins harder, because, yeah, this is what he was thinking. "The re-shoots for Fellowship. And the premiere for Fellowship."
Dom takes over smoothly. "The re-shoots for Two Towers."
Billy points at him. "Premiere for Two Towers."
"Yes, ADR, then re-shoots for Return of the King."
"We'll probably be expected to turn up for the premiere of that, too," Dom points outs and Billy nods.
"So, all in all, I'd say we'll be over here on a pretty regular basis for the next four years." He smiles readily at Orlando so Dom turns to face him too. Orlando is pouting.
"Shut up," he counters. Succinct, but Dom can see the appeal behind it, as a response.
"What were you thinking then?" Billy asks, and Orlando perks up at the idea of being taken seriously.
"What about," he pauses dramatically, "Australia."
Dom thinks about it. He hasn't been to Australia since that thing years ago with his mum's cousin and the bat, but it could be fun. Billy's agreeing too, and Dom starts thinking of what they could do over there. Just Sydney, probably, in the time they have, so the bridge, the Opera House and,
"Oh my God!" Dom exclaims, and this time it him bouncing up and down. "Oh my God!"
"Ow," Orlando gripes, as Billy asks, "What?"
"Do you know what they are filming in Sydney at the moment? Do you know?"
Billy shakes his head and Orlando says, "Ow."
"Star Wars," Dom breathes out. Billy's eyes go wide and even Orlando shuts up with the magnitude of the announcement.
"We're going to Sydney," Billy proclaims firmly and Dom can barely contain his glee. He turns to the bar.
"Yo, Elwood! Australia, you up for it?"
Elijah is snogging Laura again, so he just gives a vague thumbs-up in their direction, followed by the finger. Dom laughs, bounces and turns back to stare at Billy. Orlando says,
"Dom, you wanker, would you get off my sodding legs?"
"I have to."
"He's sitting right there."
"Dom," Billy says firmly. "It's not worth it."
Dom whines a little. "Billy. Billy, please let me. I can take the punishment, just let me."
"Don't even think it, Monaghan," Orlando's voice drifts over the seat in front. "I will recline this chair so fast, and it will stay like that for the entire flight, I swear to God."
Dom looks at Billy, desperation in his eyes. Billy raises an eyebrow. "Is it worth it, Dom? The whole flight with no leg room, just so you can kick Orli's chair a couple of times?"
Dom eyes the back of Orlando's seat longingly, then glances back at Billy. "But he can't even recline right now. There was an announcement."
"But that'll only last the ten minutes or so it takes to get in the air. Honestly, Dom. It's not worth it."
Dom pouts a little. He wants it so badly. It's entirely Orlando's fault. If he hadn't had such a perfect little prissy reaction the first ten times Dom had kicked his seat, Dom wouldn't be in this situation. He'd be as cool as Billy, who got bored after Elijah said he didn't care, that the kicking felt a little like getting an extremely rough massage. But Orlando squeaked and squealed and threatened bodily harm and it was so much fun, right up until the retaliatory threats started coming in. Dom hates him. How did Orlando get the last laugh in this?
"Look, you just need to be distracted," Billy says reasonably. "Let's talk about something."
"Let's talk about how much fun I could be having," Dom sulks, so Billy elbows him.
"Christ, it'd be better being on a flight with Bean," Billy complains.
Dom grins at that and leans in to Billy. "No it wouldn't. You wouldn't trade me for all the gruff Blades fans in Sheffield. Anyway, he's too scared, it'd be a nightmare."
"I don't know," Billy muses. "He might need me to protect him from the big bad aeroplane." Dom snorts. "Oi. I think I'd like being manly."
"You can manfully protect me from the aeroplane if you like, Bill," Dom offers. "I'll pretend I'm a big wimp like Beanie."
"I don't know," Billy says mournfully. "It wouldn't be the same."
"No, I can do it!" Dom declares, and takes a moment to get into character.
"Billy," he begins. "I'm going to die. I'm so unprepared, I should have given Pete a note to pass on to my family for when I die, they'll never know the last thing I wanted to say to them! Billy!" He lowers his voice, because some of the other passengers are starting to give him looks and he doesn't actually want to cause mass hysteria. "Billy, this hunk of metal is about to be hurtling through the air. That is not safe, Billy."
Billy snorts and recites, "Don't worry, Dom. I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen. The pilot knows what he's doing."
Dom looks around (his method acting is fucking amazing.) "What if we hit a storm?" He clutches at Billy's arm.
"We're not going to hit a storm, you big pansy," Billy tells him, peeling Dom's hand from his arm, but allowing Dom to place his palm in Billy's.
"I saw this film once," Dom confides, whispering into Billy's ear. "The plane crashed."
Billy guffaws and Dom frowns. "Billy, man, you suck at this comforting thing. It's a good thing I'm not actually as much as a wimp as Bean, or I'd be demanding the crew let me off on the runway," he says, sitting back a little in his seat.
"Dom, you numpty. You're not actually scared of flying."
"I could be," Dom points out. The plane is starting to taxi down the runway. Dom's hand is starting to get clammy in Billy's grip, but he doesn't let go. Billy doesn't either, and Dom isn't sure if it's because he's forgotten he's holding Dom's hand or because he doesn't care. Dom doesn't know that he wants to find out.
Billy's hand is warm and his fingers are stumpy, curled loosely around Dom's. Dom barely remembers to tighten his grip slightly as they start to ascend. Just in case Billy thinks they're still role-playing.
The thing is, and this is a true story, Mark Ordesky is a fucking god among men. Once the time off had been Officially Announced, and Elijah had Officially Cocked Up And Told Everyone They Already Knew And Had Booked Flights To Australia, Mark had got on the phone to someone who knew someone who had contacts at-
Dom loses track at some point. It doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that Mark Ordesky is a god among men and got them onto the Star Wars set.
Well, he got them permission to get in. The actual process of getting there was somewhat more iffy. Dom swears, if they actually end up lost in the middle of the Australian bush because fucking Orlando can't get directions right, Dom will kill him. This is Star Wars, you don't just fuck around with that.
Fortunately, they find the studios. They're pretty big studios. Not hard to lose, studios this size. 20th Century Fox is a pretty big deal. Their studios are ostentatious. Not easy to miss. Especially when-
"All right, Dom. Just shut the fuck up now, okay? We're here," Orlando grumbles. Dom glares at him some more.
"Star Wars," he says warningly. "You nearly made me miss Star Wars."
"There, there, Dommie." Billy sounds irritatingly cheery. He's still wearing the huge sunglasses he appeared with this morning, even though it's not that bright. Dom's been teasing him about them pretty much non-stop and Elijah insisted on lifting them briefly in order to check for dilated pupils.
Dom would like to be able to claim that his grudge against Orlando is epic, the likes of which have never been seen before, but honestly, as soon as he steps on set, all thoughts of Orlando are banished from his brains. In fact, pretty much any thoughts which aren't holy fuck, Star Wars float away.
"Holy fuck, Star Wars," Elijah breathes, and Dom lets out a laugh. Too right.
"It is impressive, isn't it?" Billy says quietly. Dom thinks he's really mastered the art of the understatement.
"Understatement, Bills," Dom corrects him, staring around at the lights and the sterility and the other-worldliness, completely different to Middle Earth other-worldliness. "It's so." He stops. He can't even think beyond the fact that this is Star Wars, that this is the reason he's even here, and the only way this could be made better would be if Han Solo, if Harrison Ford were here too. Dom doesn't think he'd actually be able to cope with that. He'd probably hyperventilate and pass out. He would never, ever be able to live that down; it's probably for the best.
The assistant, Paula, smiles indulgently at them and guides them over to the edge of a set. Dom's not sure exactly where they're meant to be, owing to the rather large quantity of blue screen he's seeing, but it's exciting anyway.
"This is really weird," Elijah says. He's absolutely right, of course. "It's like seeing history, except this film hasn't even come out yet. It's like seeing the future. It's like seeing the near-future, the future-future, the past, like childhood-past, and the ancient past."
Right. Now Dom's lost. Elijah talks such a bunch of crap.
"What the fuck are you babbling about, Elwood?" Billy asks.
"No, listen," Elijah insists. "It's the future, right, because it's set in the future-future. But what we're seeing is the filming of a movie which will come out soon, in the near-future. But it's fucking Star Wars, so it's like a piece of the past too. It's like, childhood-past, because it's a movie from our childhoods. But it came out years before then, so it's like, ancient past."
Dom pauses. "I've got to stop spending so much time with you, Doodle. I think that kind of made sense."
Elijah turns and beams at him. Dom's glad they're here together, because if there was one other person on the Rings set that he would want to see the Star Wars set, it would be Elijah. But he doesn't even have to choose, he can have Elijah and Billy and Orlando and him, here, in Australia, seeing the fucking legendary film being made.
Billy snorts. "Ancient past, my arse."
Dom grins and slings an arm around Billy's shoulder. "Aw, Billy. Feeling your age a bit, are you?"
"Fuck off." Billy elbows him in the ribs, but he's smiling as he does it, so Dom doesn't feel it as much as he should. Billy twists a little, facing Dom. They're close and Billy smiles, and he doesn't back away. Dom can see Billy's mouth, inches from his own.
"It's not his fault, Billy," Orlando chimes in. "He can't help it if you were born in the Dark Ages."
Billy tosses back his head and laughs. His hair brushes Dom's arm. "You whippersnappers are just jealous," Billy affirms. God, Dom loves it when his eyes twinkle like that. Seeing it up close is his favourite thing to do. "Because I saw the original trilogy on the big screen."
"I totally am," Elijah confesses. "I wonder how I'll ever get over it. I guess I'll just have to rely on my fame, money, good looks and youth. How will I survive?"
Billy laughs again. "Watch it, hobbit. I'm onto you."
Dom turns to look over his shoulder. He has to tamp down hard on the urge to giggle, "Leon!" when he sees Natalie Portman because seriously, she was in Leon! That films fucking rocks. But he learnt early on not to mention old films to child stars. Elijah has a vicious kick.
"Yeah," Elijah says, pointing at himself, then sweeping round to include Billy and Dom. "We're hobbits." He points at Orlando. "He's an elf."
Natalie looks at Orlando.
"I'm an elf," he supplies helpfully.
She laughs. It's tinkly, like a girl, or Elijah. Not Billy's huge guffaw.
"You guys know you're not actually your characters, right? I mean, I don't insist that everyone refer to me as 'Princess,' you know?"
"You should," Dom tells her. That'd be pretty damn cool.
"You know," Elijah says, and he's using his serious voice. He turns to face her properly and holds her gaze. "I kind of feel like. I don't know. I mean, I'm Elijah, but I'm Frodo too, you know?"
Dom's eyes widen. No way. He can't fucking believe it. Billy's shoulders are shaking under his arm. Dom switches to stare at him, then back to Elijah. Natalie is fucking eating it up.
"What the fuck?" Dom says under his breath and Billy shakes more. "How the fuck is that possible?"
Elijah is very subtly turning so that he and Natalie are in a separate conversation off to the side.
Dom looks between them and Orlando, Billy. "Seriously?"
Dom still kind of can't believe it a few hours later. They've moved to a bar, at Natalie's insistence. After she spent the whole fucking day alternating between shooting coy glances at Elijah between shots and glibly pretending she hadn't noticed he was there. Dom is incredulous. He thinks Elijah has some kind of magical power.
"Elijah's magical power," Dom whisper-shouts in Billy's ear. "What is it and where did he get hold of it?"
"It's an enchanting story about unicorns and banshees, but it's too long to tell now," Billy responds immediately and Dom falls a little bit more in love with him, with the line of his nose and the curve of his jaw. He takes a hurried sip of his drink before Billy notices him staring.
Natalie and Elijah are seated just off to the side. She's leaning into him (he's such a shortarse, how he keeps pulling tall, fit birds is beyond Dom's comprehension) and staring intently. Elijah, for his part, has his hand on her thigh and, as Dom should point out to Billy, is engaged in some sort of complex and drawn-out manoeuvre whereby every time he lets go of her thigh to take a sip of drink, he places it back incrementally higher. Dom reckons he might have moved about two and a half inches on this drink alone.
Orlando had been fobbed off on Natalie's girlfriend, the one who had been forced along so Natalie didn't look too blatant, but she hadn't seemed to be able to get past the fact that half the hair on Orlando's head appeared to be missing. It's the weirdest fucking Mohican Dom has ever seen. She'd politely downed two drinks, then scarpered.
"Oh, Orli's found someone," Billy comments, and Dom turns to look. She's cute, kind of punk rock with a lip piercing, so she's probably digging the whole Mohican look.
"Thank God," Dom says fervently. Orlando had, following Jessica's abrupt departure, announced his plan to pull tonight. Orlando on the pull was and remains one of the funniest things Dom has ever seen.
Dom turns in his seat to watch Orlando and his girl. His knee brushes up against Billy's thigh.
"Oh, Orlando," Billy breathes out in a shrill falsetto. "You're so big and manly."
"You think that's manly?" Dom retorts, dropping his voice as low as it can go (even though Orlando isn't exactly a baritone.) "Wait until I show you my impressive muscles and collection of sports memorabilia."
"Orlando!" Billy shrieks, scandalised. "I will have you know that I am not that sort of lady! At least not this early on in the evening."
"Did I tell you I'm an actor?" Dom grunts. "Because I am. I'm an actor."
"Are you really?" Billy turns his head slightly to look at Dom with wide eyes. Dom focuses on Orlando and his punk-rock girl. "What did you do today?"
"Well," Dom coughs and tries to push his voice lower. "Today I was on the set of...Star Wars."
Billy's gasp is one of the funniest things Dom's heard. He tamps down hard on his laughter as Billy continues, "Star Wars? That's the one with the Klingons, right?"
"Not quite, little girl," Dom growls. "But if you'd like to come up to my hotel room, I can show you my lightsaber."
Billy swivels completely then, his face scrunched up, and punches Dom in the shoulder.
"Did you really just make a lightsaber joke?" he asks, normal voice.
Dom rubs his arm and nudges Billy's foot with his own. "Oi," he complains. "You broke character. Besides, lightsaber jokes are always funny."
"Oh, are they?" Billy laughs. Dom nods earnestly.
"Bills. Are you seriously telling me that if I came up to you and said that we should have a lightsaber fight, wink wink, nudge nudge, that you would say no?"
Billy doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything and Dom can't. He nearly throws up, because oh my God, he really just said that. Laugh, Monaghan, laugh it off, fucking say something already. Dom manages to arrange his mouth into a weak smile and is trying to think of what to say when Billy quirks his lips and leans in.
"I think I might say yes."
Dom can't breathe, he's going to faint, oh God and he also wants to vomit still, surely you can't vomit and pass out at the same time, his tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth and he can't fucking breathe.
"Guys," Orlando interrupts. Dom loves Orlando right now. He needs this time. "Me and Helen are going to head out. See you guys tomorrow, right?"
Billy smirks. "Have fun, kids. Make sure you check what colour her lightsaber is beforehand."
Dom barks out a laugh, short and sharp. The punk-rock chick looks confused, but so does Orlando so maybe they're fucking meant for each other.
They leave and Billy turns back to Dom, closer than he was before. Dom can see little pores in Billy's nose and flecks of yellow in his eyes. Billy made a lightsaber joke. Dom can feel Billy's breath on his lips.
"Lightsaber jokes are always funny," Dom says. Billy hums in agreement and pushes his lips against Dom's. It's dry and awkward until Dom tilts his head and opens his mouth. The inside of Billy's mouth is soft and damp and Dom doesn't know why this is surprising apart from the fact that this is Billy. Dom licks Billy's bottom lip, because it's wet and silky and Dom wants to know more. Billy tastes like beer and salt from the peanuts, which is kind of gross when you think about it so Dom doesn't. He doesn't want to rush. He pulls back.
"So?" Billy prompts. Dom grins, because, yeah.
"Billy. Do you want to go back to the hotel room and have a lightsaber fight with me?"
Billy chuckles. "Yeah, I think I do."
A few streets before he arrives at the studios, Dom notices he's following Billy. He has the immediate urge to giggle. He suppresses the urge, because he is not Elijah and he does not giggle. All the same, he pulls faces at Billy any time he thinks Billy might be looking in his rear view mirror. He hopes Billy got a good sleep in yesterday, enough to put an end to his mood, which had kept him practically silent the entire flight home. Dom had been forced to entertain himself by kicking the back of Orlando's reclined seat.
Dom parks next to Billy as Billy is emerging from his car. Dom clambers out and wonders if he should make it less obvious that there's pure glee swelling in his chest and his throat and he's not sure if he's going to be able to talk for a few seconds. Dom thinks about how much he's allowed to touch Billy now. He's going to touch Billy's shoulders and Billy's left ear and Billy's fingers. He's going to start now.
Billy looks a little down for a split second, but he's smiling again by the time Dom bounds up to him. Dom jumps on him, grasping both shoulders for support. He jumps again and lands closer to Billy, pulls Billy back a little until Dom's mouth is pressed against the curve of Billy's ear.
"Sleep well, Billy-boy? Fully rested, I hope."
Billy shrugs, dislodging Dom. "Well enough, I suppose," he replies but he laughs and it's awkward. A rock drops into the pit of Dom's stomach. Billy smiles again and this time Dom can see the force behind it.
They start towards the make-up trailer and Dom can't stop himself from brushing his fingers against Billy's.
"What's up, Bills?"
"Nothing," Billy shrugs again. Dom doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to hear Billy break his fucking heart, because he's that far gone, and maybe he was just stupid but he thought, he thought.
"Just," Billy continues, gesturing around him. "We're back now, aren't we? Back from holiday. Back to normal."
Dom can't work it out. He looks at Billy for a long time, at Billy's profile, because Billy's staring at the ground. He won't say any more, but this is Billy and Dom knows Billy, in the biblical sense, even.
"Billy. Is this not what you want? I mean, to be with me?"
Billy says, "No."
"Oh." Dom stops in his tracks because he asked the question, sure, but he wasn't expecting Billy to just come out and say it.
"No, I mean, no, I don't want to not do it again, double negatives, Dommie, you said it weirdly-"
"Billy, shut up," Dom says and he steps forward and crashes his lips into Billy's. He grasps Billy's face with both hands and kisses him once, twice, three times, punctuation as he asks, "Billy, what the hell, what the hell is wrong with you?"
And Billy kisses him back, once, twice, three times, and says, "It was Australia, I didn't know if you wanted, back to normal Dommie," and kisses him again.
"God, I've only been in love with you for months," Dom says into Billy's lips because, really, there's no way he's going to stop touching them now that he can, now that Billy's stopped being an idiot. "You're lucky I'm already so far gone, because otherwise I'd be having serious doubts over your intelligence."
Billy's lips are soft and slippery and his breath puffs out warm against Dom's mouth as he says, "Oh shut up Dom," and kisses him again.